12:01 Kristin Chenoweth and Seth MacFarlane sing a medley about the losers. Seth really is giving me beautiful crooner. This song is not nearly as clever as any of NPH's Tony closers. But I could listen to Seth sing the phone book. Biggest shocker of the night. He's like a less obnoxious Buble when he opens his mouth. And that's a wrap!
11:57 Ben Affleck knows there's a timer...ready for that other producer to stfu even though this guy is introducing him. Ben is wonderful! So well-meaning and adorable and STILL just a kid in the best way possible. He is not going to hold a grudge lol. That was really really moving. Love him.
11:55 BEST PICTURE goes to ARGO. Mich gets to read it thus defeating the bad J Nich juju.
11:52 Jack Nicholson comes to present Best Picture. Last time he presented this one, Crash upset Brokeback Mountain. And Ang Lee won best director that year too. Can't imagine we're gonna have another upset though. MICHELLE OBAMA won best picture! Aaaaaaa. Is that Romola Garai in uniform behind Michelle? Those bangs have a life of their own, my goodness.
11:45 Meryl comes out for Best Actor. The elder statesman. BEST ACTOR goes to DANIEL DAY LEWIS. Rebecca Miller is his rock. Love them. Hearing his speaking voice I am reminded how much he transformed for this part. Daniel Day Lewis gives the best joke of the night! Killing it. DDL Oscars Host 2014! I could listen to him all night. This speech has a wandering quality much like the Lincoln character he created. Very fitting. So effortless and well-spoken. Bravo!
11:43 BEST ACTRESS goes to JENNIFER LAWRENCE and she trips up the stairs. LOL! Did she plan that??? There was no way we could love her more and then she trips! Too much. Short and sweet! Of course they play My Cherie Amour after.
11:40 Jean Dujardin...will he ever work again? He could have a future as an Oscar presenter. Love that accent. Just spent soooo long trying to remember what theme played after Ang Lee's win. Forrest Gump duh. I must be drunk.
11:37 Ang Lee's wife is the best.
11:34 BEST DIRECTOR is not Ben Affleck, it is ANG LEE. Jane Fonda just emerged from the eighties complete with shoulder pads. I guess that was her signature decade. Wowza...Spielberg will join Tommy Lee Jones in the Grumpy Old Man brigade.
11:26 BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY goes to DJANGO UNCHAINED. Yeah, Mr. Tarantino. Quentin and Charlize are neighbors! I'm trying to imagine their slumber parties. Quentin makes her put on Uma's Pulp Fiction wig and then they do a bunch of coke...and then they dance. Quentin speech fake out...hilarious. And Gone with the Wind theme playoff...very apt choice.
11:24 BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY goes to ARGO. Alright, best picture is all but a foregone conclusion. Dedicates it to nonviolent civil disobedience! And whores. Because, you know, Fantine.
11:18 Yes Dustin. She is a good dancer.
11:12 BEST ORIGINAL SONG goes to...we'll find out in a bit. Wait, Scar Jo was nominated for a song? What? Norah Jones sings a song that sounds like it was written by Randy Newman. Oscar goes to SKYFALL. Adele's plot for world domination enters phase two. Drink every time you hear 'fank you.
11:08 Seth acknowledged the gayness. Did Renee and CZJ coordinate tonight? Queen Latifah has had it with Richard Gere's fumbling. Just announce it already...BEST ORIGINAL SCORE for LIFE OF PI. Or course they don't play the JAWS theme for a composer. Looking out for their own.
11:00 Nora Ephron I miss you so much. I want to watch You've Got Mail right now. Babs looking wonderful. She also got the style memo about the long, straight, blonde wizard hair. Sounding good and acting the shit out of it. Where are the Streisands we can cast in movie musicals?
10:58 George Clooney, keeper of Hollywood gravitas, introduces the in memoriam montage. Celeste Holm you were great in All About Eve. ET died this year??? (Shouldn't make jokes. Bad Spencer).
10:51 Of course they give Salma Hayek the speech with the most weird names. This will not end well. Giving Sofia Vergara a run for her money.
10:47 K Stew needs to give a fuck and also needs a brush. I mean, she is a mere five years away from Helena Bonham Carter hair. BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN goes to LINCOLN. Did that man just thank Adele????
10:40 Nicole Kidman and Sandy Bullock both have the same botox guy. Nicole Kidman has the same clap as Paula Abdul. You know the one with hyper extended fingers? So weird. Why do we keep on getting the trailers to the best picture movies? Not helpful.
10:35 Jennifer Lawrence is about to blow chunks she's so nervous. 30 minutes until her fate is read? She introduces Adele who has a tough act to follow with Shirley Bassey. She sounds great but I do miss the bombastic Bassey Bond songs. "Skyfall" is just a bit sleepy and underwater for a Bond theme imo. Adele needs to get in touch with Shirley's finger choreographer. Adele has pretty great pitch which made that one flat note all the more horrific.
10:33 Sorry, the bourbon's making me mean. BEST EDITING goes to ARGO. Pretty good sign Argo will take it all, not that there was any doubt.
10:32 Sandy Bullock's face is not moving. Ease up on the botox girl.
10:29 Gapped tooth bitch is soooo excited about new Academy museum. Snooze.
10:21 Anne's nipples are blinding me. Here we go. BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS goes to the inevitable Anne Hathaway. "It came true." Any way this is going to seem genuine and not obnoxious? Probably not. She goes for reserved and a well memorized thank you list. Probably the best option given all of the backlash. And she dedicates it to whores all over the world! How fucking weird!!! Love it.
10:19 YESSSSS Sound of Music reference. More musical theater jokes please, Seth! Plummer is so sick of hearing "Sound of Music" played anytime he makes an awards show entrance.
10:15 A tie! Oh my goodness. Granted, not as exciting as when Babs tied Kat Hepburn for best actress (Funny Girl and Lion in Winter respectively). Oscar trivia woot. So the first BEST SOUND EDITING goes to ZERO DARK THIRTY. Is that man an albino? #2 goes to SKYFALL. Alright is it just me or is the biggest Oscar trend long white blond hair?
10:10 BEST SOUND MIXING. You know I was a fan of Anne's mix in Les Mis. Badum cha. And it goes to LES MIS lol.
10:06 Having Les Mis go after J Hud was not the most strategic move. You guys are not singers AND you're not acting either. Nothing redeemable about this park and bark. But I doth protest too much. I am always a fan of Tony-fying the Oscars. Sing more Seth!
10:02 Is Anne Hathaway trying to do an Amanda Seyfried impression? Let's slow that vibrato down. Eddie "Kermit" Redmayne. Helena doesn't know what's going on. This was not in her contract. Amanda Seyfried, that red dress will not make me forgive the canary bird on speed coming out of your mouth.
9:59 This is the first time I've seen skinny Jennifer Hudson sing this song. Ferocious as ever. Between Shirley Bassey, CZJ, and J Hud this telecast continues its campaign for the most disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket holding, friend of Dorothy Academy Awards ever.
9:55 Alright CZJ recreating the opening of Chicago seems just very sad and desperate. Can you imagine Meryl recreating Sophie's Choice during the Oscars? But she sounds and looks great and helps erase some of the awful memories from her Tony performance. Then again, I could have just popped in the Chicago DVD.
9:53 John Travolta introducing the Movie musicals tribute. Those were some interesting pronunciations John.
9:51 Seth thanking the orchestra. Wait, they're not even there??? They're up the street. Outsourcing is such a problem in this country.
9:49 Sharpest cheekbones in an Oscar presenter is a dead tie between Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Garner. BEST FOREIGN FILM goes to AMOUR. Duh.
9:45 Again with the JAWS. Unbelievable. Can you imagine them JAWS-ing an A lister? What's next? The Academy sics hungry actresses on any best documentary live action short subject in a foreign language winner who dares speak for more than 7.25 seconds.
9:43 Seth tells jokes. Joke, joke, meta joke, joke, joke. Meh. Doesn't it seem just a little mean that the Academy asked Ben to present even though he was snubbed? Worst consolation prize ever. BEST DOCUMENTARY goes to SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN.
9:35 BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT goest to INOCENTE. Homeless clean up good. Back to Seth...so we knew we were going to be super meta with him, but this might be a bit much. Mentioning a Harvey Weinstein joke is not as funny as an actual Harvey Weinstein joke.
9:32 Still recovering from that EPIC performance. Shirley for Oscar host 2014. She just sings that on repeat in between handing out of awards. BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT goest to CURFEW. Rockin the Bieber bangs. That got a little incest-y for a second. Want to see this devilishly handsome dad.
9:26 Shirley has got swagger. And she just grabbed her own boob. Alright. Starting to get worried for that microphone. Shirley could swallow it whole at any moment.
9:22 Halle Berry saying Pussy Galore was enjoyable. And now a Bond montage...this is relatively late in the game for the first montage, which I hope means the Academy got the memo after last year's montage-happy ceremony. Yes SHIRLEY BASSEY!!! So excited. This has made my night. She's still got it. Digging her crazy finger choreography.
9:17 Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum presenting BEST COSTUME to ANNA KARENINA. A sturdy bustle always guarantees an Oscar in this category. Where is the infographic for time period most likely to get you an oscar in this category? My guess is late nineteenth century. BEST MAKEUP goes to LES MISERABLES. They lovingly applied all of Anne's Parisian whore dirt.
9:13 So now that I reflect on the first half hour of the proceedings, I think Seth is acquitting himself pretty well. He has so many of the qualities that make for a good Oscar host. But I think it was sort of a weak choice to base the opener around a meta self-assessment of Seth's abilities as a host. And in a post-Franco/Hathaway world I guess that impulse is understandable, but it's not so endearing.
9:10 BEST VISUAL EFFECTS goes to LIFE OF PI. I haven't seen this, but hear it's beautiful. Is that a CGI tiger? Is the playoff music really JAWS? Are you kidding me??? This is hilarious.
9:06 The Avengers altogether...minus the girl cause duh, girls can't be superheroes. I mean really? Where's Scar Jo? Is Jeremy Renner really making an old joke at Samuel L Jackson's expense? I'm sorry, but black don't crack. BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY goes to Legolas for LIFE OF PI.
9:01 Enough with the Les Mis live singing. Enough enough enough! We're over it Reese.
8:59 Brave wins for Animated feature. Mark Andrews is wearing a kilt. But that is the second weirdest outfit accepting the award. Ooof that dress.
8:57 Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy doing some schtick. Paperman wins for animated short. As it should. Was so delightful. This category is now somewhat more relevant in that people can actually watch them now. Yay for the interwebs!
8:55 Alright...only just realized that the actress reaction shots from earlier were clearly canned. No way Charlize could have changed that fast.
8:48 First award. Best Supporting Actor. Octavia Spencer presenting, reminds everyone that every single nominee has won before. Whose mantle needs some extra company? And it's Christoph Waltz. This is a bit of a surprise, but this category was one of the toughest to predict. Robert DeNiro and Tommy Lee Jones are going to reenact their own version of Grumpy Old Men tonight.
8:46 I mean really this cannot get any gayer. We've already had the gay men's chorus. And now we get "Be Our Guest." And chorus boys galore. And honestly, better singing from Seth than when Hugh hosted. This is crazy.
8:44 How many people are going to recognize the Flying Nun anymore?...but I love this. Sally Field you are too cool for school. So game. I like you. I really like you Sally.
8:42 Alright this is officially the gayest Oscar telecast in recent memory. JGL, Dan Rad, and Seth giving you some dance. Seth is such a musical theater nerd! I am loving this (I may be his target audience, but this is working).
8:40 What??? Wasn't Charlize in her seat about 15 seconds ago. And now she's soft-shoeing with Channing Tatum. Alright, Seth sounded better than ANY single member of the cast of Les Miserables. AND he sang it live in ONE take. Crazy!??! Who knew this was possible??? Tom Hooper's worldview imploding.
8:30 Seth going at this from the self-deprecating angle. How scared is he? Hope he took a Valium Now he's picking on Jean Dujardin. Amour or...This is 90. Rihanna/Chris Brown joke. Aaaa. That probably would not fly at the Grammys. Alright, he is warming up. Gets in a jab about the unbelievable irony of Jodie Foster's Golden Globes plea for privacy. Shatner to the rescue...and singing! Naomi Watts looks absolutely devastated to be mentioned! Jennifer Lawrence loves the shout out. Charlize Theron not having it. Seth has an awesome voice btw.
8:25 Kristin wants Queen Latifah to host the Oscars. Alright...this is like the 5th time in the last 2 minutes they've mentioned that Kristin is singing at the end of the show. Quit it with shameless plugs. Or maybe they're just really worried everyone's gonna tune out after Best Picture's announced.
8:21 Kristin interviewing the Oscar producers. She gives them a bucket of antacids. Then she's off to interviewing Renee Zellwegger, one squinty actress to another.
8:16 Ok, I don't recognize the woman interviewing Daniel Day-Lewis but she is doing a wonderful Jenna Maroney impression. I'm just waiting for cam-a-ra to come out of her mouth. Daniel claims that Spielberg has "the gift of eternal youth which is important." Really? Helen Mirren maybe. Spielberg, not so much.
8:12 Anne Hathaway gives Kristin a "hey girl!" Kristin asks what Anne's most excited about. Anne bites her tongue and barely manages not to scream "WHEN I WIN!!!" and makes a quick save by mentioning singing with the cast. One song more, if you will. badum cha. Her turn to guess the mystery box. Like the hag that she is, she guesses Dorothy's ruby slippers. And she was right!
8:10 Kirstin's invading my home! Red Carpet coverage and a Royal Caribbean commercial?! RC squared. What next, spokeswoman for RC Cola?
8:04 What is Adele's secret, Kristin wonders? She does what she likes...including speaking unintelligibly. She claims her dress weighs 50 kilos. Gets in a humblebrag by mentioning Babs once wore a 50 pound dress. By metric conversions, Adele is 2.2 times more awesome.
8:02 Jennifer Garner knows that Kristin Chenoweth is singing at the end of the ceremony. Brownie points for you Jen. Was someone feeding her copy via earpiece as well? J. Garn would probably make a great red carpet host.
8:01 Jennifer Aniston compares the dress to King and I. Almost expect her to break out into full on polka.
7:55 Daniel Radcliffe thought it was weird he was asked about the British horse meat scandal (if you haven't heard, some latter day Mrs. Lovetts in the UK have been pretending to run a horse barber shop but instead have been using the horses' meat for yummy horse burgers!). It's not weird. You were in equus and are British, which makes you qualified to weigh in on the matter.
7:53 Robert DeNiro. Robin awkwardly declares that it's his night. A little premature there...Robert winces. He wants this one so bad he might wrestle it from Tommy Lee Jones' cold dead hands.
7:51 The guess who box (what is the purpose of this?) Kristin Chenoweth making Hugh Jackman and his wife guess what's inside the hidden box. He guesses a head. She guesses handcuffs. The Jackmans' sex life now makes sense.
7:48 Getting ready for my 2nd annual liveblog. Yay for new traditions...albeit one that involves me anti-socially eating Five Guys and writing every inane thought that enters my mind about the Oscar proceedings.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
My in flight choice: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
The old people movie of 2012! The successful one that's going to finally make Hollywood appeal to old people! Who knew old people like watching movies about old people? Preferably British old people who are in Downton Abbey or Harry Potter. This is the perfect storm for old white people in terms of movie-making: It's got all of those weighty British actors that make you feel like you're seeing an important film. It's got the travelogue element. And it's got Maggie Smith giving pithy one-liners in grumpy Dowager Countess mode. This is basically old people porn.
Now, let me take off my cynical hat and judge the movie on its merits. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is an ensemble dramedy that follows a cast of geriatrics that are all dealing with three quarter life crises and decide to shake things up by packing up their belongings and follow a google ad to India for a stay at The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for the Elderly and Beautiful.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Netflix Review: Across the Universe
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Pitch Perfect review
Full disclosure, I was an a cappella nerd in a college, so a lot of Pitch Perfect hit very close to home. It was adapted from the book of the same name that profiled a cappella groups at Tufts University. How accurate is it? I can report that yes, there were intense intra-a cappella rivalries, bizarre freshman hazing rituals, and very often groups were differentiated by their brand: stoner guys, classical glee club nerds, the party group, the gay group. And all-girl groups were definitely at the bottom of the totem pole. By focusing on the fictional all-girls Barden Bellas, Pitch Perfect has a built in underdog story.The Bellas are trying to rebuild after a disastrous showing at nationals at Lincoln Center where aca-veteran Aubrey (Anna Camp) spews Exorcist style during a rendition of Ace of Base's "The Sign." The Bellas' reputation has been tainted and the following year, returning members Aubrey and Chloe's (Brittany Snow) recruiting difficulties lead to a group composed not of cardio-happy Greeks, but of misfits including the self-styled Fat Amy ("So twig bitches like you don't call me it behind my back") played by Rebel Wilson, Lilly, a practically mute Asian girl in the tradition of Sister Act's Sister Mary Roberts, a promiscuous ditz, and a lesbian with a gambling addiction.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
90s Nostalgia: Enemy of the State
In light of the recent passing of Tony Scott, which should remind us all that depression is an awful disease that sometimes has no correlation with perceived public success, I've started thinking about his career. The only Tony Scott movie I had actually seen was Top Gun, undoubtedly his biggest success. Top Gun loomed large in my brother's childhood and by extension mine. By our estimation, my brother had watched it over thirty times between the years of 1995-1999. His room was plastered with F-14 Tomcat posters. We attended an air show. Dylan dreamed of being a pilot until the arrival of myopia in 9th grade. The soundtrack was a daily staple of carpool.
The legacy Top Gun was examined back in 2011 in the GQ article "The Day the Movies Died" by Mark Harris. In it, Top Gun essentially gets blamed for destroying the auteur movie experience as we know it. It heralded the dawn of the blockbuster or "brand film". This provides for a compelling thesis, but I think a fairer assessment is that Top Gun was an inflection point for a trend already in motion: the rise of high concept films that could be reduced to a simple marketing soundbyte.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Netflix Worthy? Young Adult
Like the car that she wrecks half way through the movie, Young Adult's Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron) is one dented, mashed up, and utterly fucked up character...and the collisions never let up. And you, poor sap, are the rubbernecking asshole who gets to watch the whole thing unfold. So be warned, it is a difficult to watch/impossible not to watch bruising, bleak, and brave character study (study might be the wrong word, more like character vivisection).Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Cabin in the Woods: Campy Camping
This is a horror (if genre-mashupy horror) movie with twist and turns and surprises making it necessary to put out a disclaimer for this review's plot vaguness in order to prevent spoilage. (I actually don't mind spoilers...and apparently most people don't either http://io9.com/5829720/new-study-shows-that-knowing-spoilers-doesnt-ruin-a-story my diatribe on spoiler paranoia will have to wait, though).
Cabin in the Woods sets up two parallel stories. After a title sequence with blood pouring over ancient depictions of human sacrifice, the film opens on two office schmucks (Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins) drinking vending machine coffee, putzing around the office in a golf cart. They seem to work in a fairly mundane office/lab that has a lot of surveillance equipment. Out of nowhere, huge red block letters flash the title, as if to remind us to expect the unexpected, that this movie will get its kicks out of odd juxtapositions and mutating and merging genres all with a knowing, self-aware grin. Ah, to live in the pop-culture addled brain of Joss Whedon.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Titanic 3D: Revenge of the 'Berg
Titanic, they called it the Movie of Dreams. And it was. It really was Gloria. Sitting in the sparingly filled AMC on the Upper West Side at 7:15pm on a Sunday with my hastily purchased vodka from across the street, Diet Coke with Lime to chase it, and bag of pretzel M and Ms, I felt the same giddiness of my fifth grade self seeing it for the first time. While the refreshments were slightly different, Titanic remains an event movie for me. As far as stories suitable to be put on the screen, the sinking of the RMS Titanic is such a complete no-brainer. The facts are in and of themselves so sensational: an "unsinkable" ship (SPOILER: that moniker becomes ironic), an A-list passenger roster, and a horrific tragedy that has class and gender implications. So meaty!
Monday, April 9, 2012
First Comes Baby, Then Comes Love? "Friends With Kids" Review
If Bridesmaids went down like double fisting a beer and a glass of champagne, Friends with Kids was like sipping on a glass of vino. Now in another world, it would seem illogical to compare the two, but by virtue of having nearly the same casts, it's inevitable (was Rose Byrne too busy to accept the Megan Fox role?).
Jason and Julie (Adam Scott and writer/director Jennifer Westfeldt) are two best pals dontcha know because they call each other at 4:18 in the morning to indulge Julie's obsession with death hypotheticals ("Would you rather die by shark or alligator?"). This scene is straight out of the pilot episode of WIll and Grace, and, in fact, Jason and Julie's relationship feels a whole lot like our favorite sitcom upper west siders: they're friends since college, know every detail of each other's lives, and even live in the same building. Oh, but they're both breeders.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Hunger Games: Odds Are in its Favor
The odds were always in favor of a Hunger Games film adaptation. A blockbuster YA adult book series about a tough girl with two fellas competing for her attention. No pop culture phenomenon is complete unless you can say you are either Team Jail-bait Hottie #1 or Team Jail-bait Hottie #2. And in this case it's Team Gale and Team Peeta.
But the most refreshing part of these books is how much of a backseat the love plots take in the face of concerns for basic human survival. Our heroine, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) is a girl who most of the time can't be bothered with the gooey mushy stuff, and if she does allow some flirtation, she's knowingly manipulating the situation to get out of the games alive.
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